Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 2

"It is unfair to expect men to understand women and still live with them, especially when what you've understood about them was what they were a day ago. Today they are completely different and by the time men realize that, it's either too little or too late. And tomorrow is another new day. A new woman!"

(After being thrown out of HIS house by the love of HIS life due to a very ambiguous statement which was something like, "Of course I love you! My friends think it cannot be anything else since I am still living with you!")

Hearsay, Heresy.. and well.. whatever.

His belief in acting strange so that people will not shudder in revulsion when they discover some of his eccentricities was not very abnormal. This belief made him talk in a way people do not want to hear, behave in a manner people can only dream about behaving, and sing with a voice which is best left to the most horrible imaginations a sadist could conjure. Every sentient being in the known universe probably does that, what do you call it, defence mechanism?

But he was not limited to just strange behaviour. Sometimes he also came up with philosophical statements which were, err… well, how can you put it, pretentious?


Like an instance when he famously told his boss, "Do you think it is ok to shout aloud so that not even you can hear your echos?"


The small group of people who were unfortunately around to hear this thought 'provoking' statement swear that they actually saw the boss looking at Vinayaka Rama with a stare which could have been translated to, "Either you think you are too smart, or you believe I am really stupid. For this act of stupidity of yours, I am going to see to it that you are hanged till death".


Before the boss could phrase a befitting statement for a harsh reply, Vinayaka Rama had continued with his pondering which would have had the capability to change the history of world, if and only if he had said that God had told this to him. He had not said that, precisely, Vinayaka Rama had not said that, and not God.


"But I do think that is stupid. If I shout aloud to cover my echos, won't my shouting aloud come back to me as an echo which is louder than the echo I am trying to stop? I think it will lead to too much of noise which is ultimately too loud to hear and unworthy enough to make any kind of sense out of it"


Rumours have that that is when the boss told Vinayaka Rama to shut up and reminded him that he is paid to work and not to mouth statements which doesn’t say anything in fact. There are also rumours which go to the extent of saying that Vinayaka Rama countered that by saying that that is all we do - say things that don’t say much as no one wants to be the one person who has said stuff that came back to haunt him for the rest of his life. Of course, the minutes of the meeting did not document all these as it was not an official meeting and the small group of people who were present there were not supposed to be officially present, which is why, their statements cannot be termed 'official', which is another word for 'stamped to be the truth'. Unofficially, their statements were validated and found to be very close to the events that occurred. However, these statements were not recorded for the simple reason that they were unofficial, and any shade of truth which is unofficial can only be classified as, hearsay, or in extreme cases, heresy.

[Broken Message]

Let. Go. Let Go. Let It Go.


Come. Back. Come Back. Begin.


Begin. From The End. End Not.


Go. Crazy. Go Crazy. Let. Go.

Thus Whined Vinayaka Rama - 1

"Whoever said skirts are formal wear have completely under-estimated the influence of 2 powerful natural forces.

1. Wind
2. Legs

Or... they are plainly blind"

The God Question

It was a normal day for the preacher. He had those ignorant, false-god worshiping, false-religion following, yet-to-be saved people listen to his true words like lizards stuck to the wall. No, they weren't the lizards and nor was he the wall - probably, the opposite was truer, but let us not get into the unnecessary details. He held their rapt attention. He condemned their gods, told them how irrational was it to believe in stuff that was too magical to be true, brushed aside a question on the thin line of difference between magical stories that can be believed and that cannot be believed, offered them heaven, salvation, and a horde of other things, and finally, gave them a 'I am here to save you' smile.

"God sees everything", he said patronizingly, as if he were the god, "Every word you speak, every move that you make, every thought that you think, every vision that you have, every sight that you see, every action that you take.. God sees everything. Live by HIS rules, not someone who is false. Love HIM. Not someone who does not exist. You cannot escape him. You cannot deny him. He is your master. He is your king. He is your father. He is the true GOD. And, he sees, hears, feels, smells everything that you do!"

Vinayaka Rama woke up from his small siesta. He blinked, wondered if there was a movie going on, looked at the crowd in a very confused way, looked at the preacher embarassed, and in a slow, dazed, hesitating voice, said, "Uh... I think I missed something.. I was in deep thoughts like one of our earlier Prime Minister.. So this god that you talk about.. Is this god a voyeur or a dictator?"

The crowd looked at him for a couple of seconds and turned to the preacher for an answer.

2+2=7

Big Boss -"Do you think if we merge these two teams, we could achieve our target of reduction in the number of resources we currently employ so that we can reduce our costs?"

Small Boss - "Team A does nothing that Team B is doing!"

Big Boss -"Well. Yes. That is exactly why we have two teams you know"

Small Boss - "So why do we not want to keep it separate?"

Big Boss -"Because we want to reduce the number of people"

Small Boss - "But they are .. Soo.. Different!"

Big Boss -"Exactly. Think about all the buzz we could generate! We could say, 'Efficiency through Synergy'!"

Small Boss - "I don't mean to be rude, but then, merging A and B is not the same as saying 2+3=7. It is something like, let's get 3 out of the way and convert it into 2. Basically, you will end up doing 2+2=7"

Big Boss -"You are a magician. We are achieving even more than we think we would! You are promoted!"

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Later that day, the diary of the Small Boss saw this entry:

"I said it was bad and he heard it as good. Or, does bad look good to him? May be, I think what is good is bad".

He struck all that and wrote again.

"Damn it. 2+2=7 and that is super synergy"

An Irrational Episode

It was not my intention to reach heaven. In fact, I wasn't even sure if I had reached heaven. There wasn't a board. No road signs. No skyline. No human beings. Well. No beings at all. I assumed it was heaven because it looked like I was standing above the clouds and the whole bloody place was white. I have seen the movies. If the place is white, it either means you are in the hospital or in heaven. Either way, you are dead or soon to be dead. Of course yes, there are other places which can be in an all-white form. Like the studios. The art galleries - minus the art. But then, there was one 'dead' give away which erased all suspicions about the place not being Heaven. Standing right in front of me, in all his glory, in all his majestic nonchalance, in all his 'I am so kind, I created the word 'kind' as there was no other word' smile, was GOD.

"You know, you don't need to address me as 'him'!". He boomed.

So it turns out that the rumors are true. He is telepathic. Oops. 'He' again.

"But then, I did not address you at all. I mean, I did not even open my mouth!". I retorted.

"You choose to forget that I am telepathic? Do not deny that your silly little brain thought, 'This must be that GOD. This must be him. Yes. I am sure it is him' "

Yes. My brain definitely thought that, which means, I thought that. But, seriously, there should be a way to address someone, even if that someone is GOD?

"But what is wrong with 'He'?"

GOD sighed. "The feminists don't like it".

"Ah. THAT I understand. Probably you should just send another prophet down there and tell everyone to call you as 'She' or 'Her'"

"Tried that too. Actually, tried that first. The male chauvinists did not like it"

"Hmm. Probably, you should go with 'It' "

"Well. The fundamentalists from both male and female parties don't like it. They are a powerful block you know"

"So, what do you want to do about it?". I asked him. I was slightly angry and a shade sad too. GOD, the father (..or the mother, or the force, or the one.. or.. the..whatever...) was supposed to be the super-wise one. He should be guiding us through our confusions. He should be giving us our daily bread; he should not bred more trouble by having gender issues! I mean, there are already too many gender issues on earth, why on heaven should that be in heaven too?! Isn't heaven supposed to be free from all issues earth related? Bah.  It's the more of the same everywhere. Nothing ever really changes anywhere. It's the same colour of a different shade, the same dish with a different taste, the same bike with a different headlight, the same everything with a slightly different something.

"I know what you are thinking" boomed GOD again. I think he is becoming a little fidgety.

"I heard that too. I am not fidgety!". He was clearly fidgeting. I should stop thinking before he strikes me down with his lightning, or trishul, or chakra, or whatever his (or her) current choice of weapon is.

"So", I said, with my 'I am so humble, humble as a word will never do justice to it' tone, "If you do not want me to address you as 'He' or 'Him', why are you in the form of a man?"

GOD now clearly had the look of a man who was asked the question, "If you just wanted someone to cook, you could have just got a cook. Did you really need to get married?!"

"Well.. err.. hmm.. uh.. you know.. uh.. it is.. well.. what do you say.. the norm?".

"The norm!" I literally screamed. "I thought you were supposed to be above all norms, and forms, and well, pretty much everything.. which is why you are in the sky.. above the earth, in the sky!"

"You don't get it" he sighed (boomed) exasperated. "I need to be accepted too"

The teenage problem now.

"People accept you.. which incidentally is the mother of all problems, as they do not know how to accept you, I mean, you have to tell them what you are. Probably tell them for good, what you are in reality!"

I was goooood, I thought. Terrific is the word. Who can get away preaching GOD about confidence, acceptance, and all sorts of psychological stuff.

GOD suddenly became all dewy eyed. He looked at me with the sort of look which normally says, "I just cannot understand what you are saying, but probably you make sense". He created a white coloured club chair out of thin air, sat on it with the grace of a cat landing on its feet after a jump, leaned towards me with a paternal look (it could have been maternal too, i am never really sure what is what), and asked, "So Vinayaka Rama, how do you think I should  look like?"

I was aghast. This really was a mind-boggling question. Whole civilizations have destroyed themselves going to war with each other about their interpretations of GOD, and here I am, a confused, lazy, jobless man, being asked by GOD, what should he look like? Should I tell him that he should just be what he is? But, will that not sound a little, preachy? 'Be as you are', seems a little too new-age-ish too. GOD may not like it. After all, he is pretty old.

"I am not old" boomed GOD again.

"A request GOD. Can you switch your telepathy button off for a couple of minutes? You see, I am trying to help you, and trying to help the world. Prophet or not, I should be able to profit from this at least. I need to think. And I really cannot think when you are looking into my mind like a dirty peeping tom. It's like someone trying to peep through the door when I am taking bath! If the person is a beautiful girl, I still will be able to appreciate the effort, but that's not the point. The point is, I do not like peeping toms and you, sir, are making me feel like you are one". I hoped I had not gone too far.

GOD smiled. He was regaining his touch, which in actuality was bad news.

"Erm" he said, "Switched off"

Finally. I can think without being seen. So, I cannot say, 'Be as you are' as it sounds very new-age-ish. But it may very well go with the song 'Come as you are'. I think that can be the moola-mantra. The chief prayer. The eternal hymn. I need to find that Nirvana guy, what's his name, Kurt Cobain soon. I hope he is in this white-land, though I do not understand, how can some one stand this place. Looks like a white washed garage with clouds for effects.

"Do you have an answer?". He boomed again. He really needs to stop that. All that booming can get extremely boring without some additional instruments joining in.

"Not yet.." I said and was about to continue when he stopped my thought process again, with a question.

"Tell me, son. When you are frustrated with the world, when you feel that nothing is going right, when you just want to go find some peace, what do you do?"

I shrugged with a sort of arrogance which said 'I am a cool dude with a reckless attitude'. "You know, yeah, as you obviously know, I just go and have panipuri"

"Bingo" said GOD and disappeared even without a 'Poof'.

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The street opposite to the Ganesha temple in Koramangala saw a new panipuri guy that day. He was being harassed by the other panipuri-wallahs as he had barged into their territory to sell the panipuris. There were questions that were asked on the lines of, "Who the hell do you think you are?" to which the new guy did not have any answer for.

On another note, the evening newspapers that day were filled with reports of unnatural 'boom' sounds. Nobody knew what they were. Interestingly, they had stopped the way they had started - suddenly and without any prior notice. The Chief Minister blamed the Opposition Party for it while the Ruling Party President blamed the Chief Minister for it.  The ultra-religious section blamed the immoral people for it (which was everyone who did not believe in their side of the story) - they said GOD was angry with people as they do not pray anymore. People were angry with GOD for everything - they said, "Did that GOD really have to create all these people?"

For once, they were right.

Things to do when you don't see your bus for twenty minutes ..... and counting..

Check the time - Once in Two Minutes:
Yes. It helps to keep track of the time. So that you don't lose it. Do not read the books, do not listen to music, do not keep a check on the buses which are already in the bus stand, do not gape at beautiful girls (do not gape even if you are a girl and even if you are or not a lesbian) and the same thing applies if you are planning to gape at handsome guys. Just keep looking at your watch. If you hate watches, keep looking at your cellphones. If you are against being constantly connected, keep looking at the huge square, circular clocks in the bus stand. It does not matter if the time on the clock is accurate or not. Just have an eye on it. Slowly you will realize that you are not realizing anything.
Realization of unrealization is important. Also, it is important to realize that there are other things which are more least interesting than waiting for the darned bus to come. Like checking the time once in two minutes.


Inhale - Exhale:
Of course you would do it even without the tip. But there is more to this particular type of 'Inhale-Exhale' that I am talking about. This is something similar to what 'Art of Living' says - Give attention to inhaling and exhaling. You will not realize anything for the first couple of minutes (you can check the time - see the first tip). Slowly, you will start smelling smells which you did not know earlier existed. The first smell to hit you will be the wet pungent smell of the dustbin which is situated ten feet away. The second smell will be slightly confusing.
"Well well. I can smell the dustbin. But what is it with it? Is that a rotten tomato? Hmm. Probably it came with the sandwich. Sandwich?! How did I know there was a sandwich? Ah! I can smell stale cheese. That's right! And... chicken too ! So that was a chicken sandwich? Probably. Some onions too. Someone was really desperate to buy a sandwich in the bus stand. They ate the sandwich with the dust. Or.. they just ate the dust and threw the sandwich which is why I can smell the rotten tomatoes, the chicken, the onion, the cheese, but I cannot smell the dust. I think I am delusional! Now I am smelling a dead dog !"
Ok. Get back to just inhaling and exhaling. You boring piece of pig turd ! Huh !


Get Caught By The Cop:
Any city or town or village that you are in, you will definitely find a bar or a pub just a few meters away from the bus stand. All you need to do when you get bored is to go, have a drink, if possible - run away without paying the money, and sit in the bus stand in a place where everyone can see you and you can see everyone. Especially the cops. Sit still till the cops decide on just taking a walk. The moment you see a big belly and a long brown stick, get up, walk up to the big belly, and start a conversation. The topic can be as innocuous as, "Why do you have such a big tummy?" to as dangerous as "Do you actually think you are a cop?". A very important point here is to not stand still. Gravity should keep pulling you - once from the left and once from the right - and ensure that you lean on air, you lean on the tired, frustrated, passengers, you lean on the stick the man - who hopefully is a cop - is holding. Lean. That is the key. Talk. That is another key. And yawn. That's yet another BIG key. And don’t worry.
Remember that the police is for OUR safety. They will keep you SAFE! And most importantly, they will also relieve you of your boredom.
 
Eat. Talk.
If there is one activity that can charge even the best of the minds, it is eating. Ok, make it two. If there two activities that can charge the best of the minds, they are eating and talking. They are more effective when done together. Go to the earlier talked about sandwich shop, buy a sandwich, it doesn't matter what sandwich it is, stuff your mouth with a huge piece, call up your wife (or your husband.. depending on your preference and taste), shout at her (or him.. depending on how you want to perceive them), spill the pieces in your mouth on the floor, do not bother if you are spraying others with the saliva pasted sandwich bits, give them a cold stare for staring at you (how mannerless they are, eh?!), apologize (not to the sprayed but to your wife/husband), but say that you have just been bad when you could have been worse, snigger, and bang the phone down.
Throw the half eaten sandwich into the dustbin and hope that someone will do the Inhale-Exhale exercise.
 
Now, this is not the end of the list. There are better ones. And I hope I will be coming with them to you soon,