It was not my intention to reach heaven. In fact, I wasn't even sure if I had reached heaven. There wasn't a board. No road signs. No skyline. No human beings. Well. No beings at all. I assumed it was heaven because it looked like I was standing above the clouds and the whole bloody place was white. I have seen the movies. If the place is white, it either means you are in the hospital or in heaven. Either way, you are dead or soon to be dead. Of course yes, there are other places which can be in an all-white form. Like the studios. The art galleries - minus the art. But then, there was one 'dead' give away which erased all suspicions about the place not being Heaven. Standing right in front of me, in all his glory, in all his majestic nonchalance, in all his 'I am so kind, I created the word 'kind' as there was no other word' smile, was GOD.
"You know, you don't need to address me as 'him'!". He boomed.
So it turns out that the rumors are true. He is telepathic. Oops. 'He' again.
"But then, I did not address you at all. I mean, I did not even open my mouth!". I retorted.
"You choose to forget that I am telepathic? Do not deny that your silly little brain thought, 'This must be that GOD. This must be him. Yes. I am sure it is him' "
Yes. My brain definitely thought that, which means, I thought that. But, seriously, there should be a way to address someone, even if that someone is GOD?
"But what is wrong with 'He'?"
GOD sighed. "The feminists don't like it".
"Ah. THAT I understand. Probably you should just send another prophet down there and tell everyone to call you as 'She' or 'Her'"
"Tried that too. Actually, tried that first. The male chauvinists did not like it"
"Hmm. Probably, you should go with 'It' "
"Well. The fundamentalists from both male and female parties don't like it. They are a powerful block you know"
"So, what do you want to do about it?". I asked him. I was slightly angry and a shade sad too. GOD, the father (..or the mother, or the force, or the one.. or.. the..whatever...) was supposed to be the super-wise one. He should be guiding us through our confusions. He should be giving us our daily bread; he should not bred more trouble by having gender issues! I mean, there are already too many gender issues on earth, why on heaven should that be in heaven too?! Isn't heaven supposed to be free from all issues earth related? Bah. It's the more of the same everywhere. Nothing ever really changes anywhere. It's the same colour of a different shade, the same dish with a different taste, the same bike with a different headlight, the same everything with a slightly different something.
"I know what you are thinking" boomed GOD again. I think he is becoming a little fidgety.
"I heard that too. I am not fidgety!". He was clearly fidgeting. I should stop thinking before he strikes me down with his lightning, or trishul, or chakra, or whatever his (or her) current choice of weapon is.
"So", I said, with my 'I am so humble, humble as a word will never do justice to it' tone, "If you do not want me to address you as 'He' or 'Him', why are you in the form of a man?"
GOD now clearly had the look of a man who was asked the question, "If you just wanted someone to cook, you could have just got a cook. Did you really need to get married?!"
"Well.. err.. hmm.. uh.. you know.. uh.. it is.. well.. what do you say.. the norm?".
"The norm!" I literally screamed. "I thought you were supposed to be above all norms, and forms, and well, pretty much everything.. which is why you are in the sky.. above the earth, in the sky!"
"You don't get it" he sighed (boomed) exasperated. "I need to be accepted too"
The teenage problem now.
"People accept you.. which incidentally is the mother of all problems, as they do not know how to accept you, I mean, you have to tell them what you are. Probably tell them for good, what you are in reality!"
I was goooood, I thought. Terrific is the word. Who can get away preaching GOD about confidence, acceptance, and all sorts of psychological stuff.
GOD suddenly became all dewy eyed. He looked at me with the sort of look which normally says, "I just cannot understand what you are saying, but probably you make sense". He created a white coloured club chair out of thin air, sat on it with the grace of a cat landing on its feet after a jump, leaned towards me with a paternal look (it could have been maternal too, i am never really sure what is what), and asked, "So Vinayaka Rama, how do you think I should look like?"
I was aghast. This really was a mind-boggling question. Whole civilizations have destroyed themselves going to war with each other about their interpretations of GOD, and here I am, a confused, lazy, jobless man, being asked by GOD, what should he look like? Should I tell him that he should just be what he is? But, will that not sound a little, preachy? 'Be as you are', seems a little too new-age-ish too. GOD may not like it. After all, he is pretty old.
"I am not old" boomed GOD again.
"A request GOD. Can you switch your telepathy button off for a couple of minutes? You see, I am trying to help you, and trying to help the world. Prophet or not, I should be able to profit from this at least. I need to think. And I really cannot think when you are looking into my mind like a dirty peeping tom. It's like someone trying to peep through the door when I am taking bath! If the person is a beautiful girl, I still will be able to appreciate the effort, but that's not the point. The point is, I do not like peeping toms and you, sir, are making me feel like you are one". I hoped I had not gone too far.
GOD smiled. He was regaining his touch, which in actuality was bad news.
"Erm" he said, "Switched off"
Finally. I can think without being seen. So, I cannot say, 'Be as you are' as it sounds very new-age-ish. But it may very well go with the song 'Come as you are'. I think that can be the moola-mantra. The chief prayer. The eternal hymn. I need to find that Nirvana guy, what's his name, Kurt Cobain soon. I hope he is in this white-land, though I do not understand, how can some one stand this place. Looks like a white washed garage with clouds for effects.
"Do you have an answer?". He boomed again. He really needs to stop that. All that booming can get extremely boring without some additional instruments joining in.
"Not yet.." I said and was about to continue when he stopped my thought process again, with a question.
"Tell me, son. When you are frustrated with the world, when you feel that nothing is going right, when you just want to go find some peace, what do you do?"
I shrugged with a sort of arrogance which said 'I am a cool dude with a reckless attitude'. "You know, yeah, as you obviously know, I just go and have panipuri"
"Bingo" said GOD and disappeared even without a 'Poof'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The street opposite to the Ganesha temple in Koramangala saw a new panipuri guy that day. He was being harassed by the other panipuri-wallahs as he had barged into their territory to sell the panipuris. There were questions that were asked on the lines of, "Who the hell do you think you are?" to which the new guy did not have any answer for.
On another note, the evening newspapers that day were filled with reports of unnatural 'boom' sounds. Nobody knew what they were. Interestingly, they had stopped the way they had started - suddenly and without any prior notice. The Chief Minister blamed the Opposition Party for it while the Ruling Party President blamed the Chief Minister for it. The ultra-religious section blamed the immoral people for it (which was everyone who did not believe in their side of the story) - they said GOD was angry with people as they do not pray anymore. People were angry with GOD for everything - they said, "Did that GOD really have to create all these people?"
For once, they were right.
"You know, you don't need to address me as 'him'!". He boomed.
So it turns out that the rumors are true. He is telepathic. Oops. 'He' again.
"But then, I did not address you at all. I mean, I did not even open my mouth!". I retorted.
"You choose to forget that I am telepathic? Do not deny that your silly little brain thought, 'This must be that GOD. This must be him. Yes. I am sure it is him' "
Yes. My brain definitely thought that, which means, I thought that. But, seriously, there should be a way to address someone, even if that someone is GOD?
"But what is wrong with 'He'?"
GOD sighed. "The feminists don't like it".
"Ah. THAT I understand. Probably you should just send another prophet down there and tell everyone to call you as 'She' or 'Her'"
"Tried that too. Actually, tried that first. The male chauvinists did not like it"
"Hmm. Probably, you should go with 'It' "
"Well. The fundamentalists from both male and female parties don't like it. They are a powerful block you know"
"So, what do you want to do about it?". I asked him. I was slightly angry and a shade sad too. GOD, the father (..or the mother, or the force, or the one.. or.. the..whatever...) was supposed to be the super-wise one. He should be guiding us through our confusions. He should be giving us our daily bread; he should not bred more trouble by having gender issues! I mean, there are already too many gender issues on earth, why on heaven should that be in heaven too?! Isn't heaven supposed to be free from all issues earth related? Bah. It's the more of the same everywhere. Nothing ever really changes anywhere. It's the same colour of a different shade, the same dish with a different taste, the same bike with a different headlight, the same everything with a slightly different something.
"I know what you are thinking" boomed GOD again. I think he is becoming a little fidgety.
"I heard that too. I am not fidgety!". He was clearly fidgeting. I should stop thinking before he strikes me down with his lightning, or trishul, or chakra, or whatever his (or her) current choice of weapon is.
"So", I said, with my 'I am so humble, humble as a word will never do justice to it' tone, "If you do not want me to address you as 'He' or 'Him', why are you in the form of a man?"
GOD now clearly had the look of a man who was asked the question, "If you just wanted someone to cook, you could have just got a cook. Did you really need to get married?!"
"Well.. err.. hmm.. uh.. you know.. uh.. it is.. well.. what do you say.. the norm?".
"The norm!" I literally screamed. "I thought you were supposed to be above all norms, and forms, and well, pretty much everything.. which is why you are in the sky.. above the earth, in the sky!"
"You don't get it" he sighed (boomed) exasperated. "I need to be accepted too"
The teenage problem now.
"People accept you.. which incidentally is the mother of all problems, as they do not know how to accept you, I mean, you have to tell them what you are. Probably tell them for good, what you are in reality!"
I was goooood, I thought. Terrific is the word. Who can get away preaching GOD about confidence, acceptance, and all sorts of psychological stuff.
GOD suddenly became all dewy eyed. He looked at me with the sort of look which normally says, "I just cannot understand what you are saying, but probably you make sense". He created a white coloured club chair out of thin air, sat on it with the grace of a cat landing on its feet after a jump, leaned towards me with a paternal look (it could have been maternal too, i am never really sure what is what), and asked, "So Vinayaka Rama, how do you think I should look like?"
I was aghast. This really was a mind-boggling question. Whole civilizations have destroyed themselves going to war with each other about their interpretations of GOD, and here I am, a confused, lazy, jobless man, being asked by GOD, what should he look like? Should I tell him that he should just be what he is? But, will that not sound a little, preachy? 'Be as you are', seems a little too new-age-ish too. GOD may not like it. After all, he is pretty old.
"I am not old" boomed GOD again.
"A request GOD. Can you switch your telepathy button off for a couple of minutes? You see, I am trying to help you, and trying to help the world. Prophet or not, I should be able to profit from this at least. I need to think. And I really cannot think when you are looking into my mind like a dirty peeping tom. It's like someone trying to peep through the door when I am taking bath! If the person is a beautiful girl, I still will be able to appreciate the effort, but that's not the point. The point is, I do not like peeping toms and you, sir, are making me feel like you are one". I hoped I had not gone too far.
GOD smiled. He was regaining his touch, which in actuality was bad news.
"Erm" he said, "Switched off"
Finally. I can think without being seen. So, I cannot say, 'Be as you are' as it sounds very new-age-ish. But it may very well go with the song 'Come as you are'. I think that can be the moola-mantra. The chief prayer. The eternal hymn. I need to find that Nirvana guy, what's his name, Kurt Cobain soon. I hope he is in this white-land, though I do not understand, how can some one stand this place. Looks like a white washed garage with clouds for effects.
"Do you have an answer?". He boomed again. He really needs to stop that. All that booming can get extremely boring without some additional instruments joining in.
"Not yet.." I said and was about to continue when he stopped my thought process again, with a question.
"Tell me, son. When you are frustrated with the world, when you feel that nothing is going right, when you just want to go find some peace, what do you do?"
I shrugged with a sort of arrogance which said 'I am a cool dude with a reckless attitude'. "You know, yeah, as you obviously know, I just go and have panipuri"
"Bingo" said GOD and disappeared even without a 'Poof'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The street opposite to the Ganesha temple in Koramangala saw a new panipuri guy that day. He was being harassed by the other panipuri-wallahs as he had barged into their territory to sell the panipuris. There were questions that were asked on the lines of, "Who the hell do you think you are?" to which the new guy did not have any answer for.
On another note, the evening newspapers that day were filled with reports of unnatural 'boom' sounds. Nobody knew what they were. Interestingly, they had stopped the way they had started - suddenly and without any prior notice. The Chief Minister blamed the Opposition Party for it while the Ruling Party President blamed the Chief Minister for it. The ultra-religious section blamed the immoral people for it (which was everyone who did not believe in their side of the story) - they said GOD was angry with people as they do not pray anymore. People were angry with GOD for everything - they said, "Did that GOD really have to create all these people?"
For once, they were right.
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